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A lot Has Changed in My Life

A lot Has Changed in My Life

I just finished reading "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. My age is 47 years old now. I am making efforts to take on my normal jaunty, radiant face for the world but inside I am a complete jumble.

Although I have realised for some time that I have issues with alcohol, this book helped me to deal with them. but strangely got me relieved to know I am not alone. I found myself troubled coping with many issues in my life'. I tend to seek comfort by abusing a usage of alcohol, thus you can assume that my alcoholic addiction didn't caused by genetics or lack of self control, it was caused by myself consciously. Life was too harsh for me, specifically the part of growing up - I was unpopular at my age, my dad was a serial cheater, even my mother had low self esteem issue because she was overweight at that time, I got no one to look after me except myself. My life eventually made me an independent person.


Strangely, I never drank in secondary school. Though, I went to University at an esteemed school which prided itself on its education'.and students prided themselves on their power to party. And so started my way into binge drinking and consequent bad character - beginning from black outs, to dreadful hangovers to unfitting sexual practices.


I came to understand that the only way for a corpulent young woman to have a sexual relation was to be intoxicated the same way as the boys.


I woke up one day, unclad sharing a bed with some guy in a frat house in Montreal..... I remember and it is indeed a miracle I didn't get severely wounded, hospitalised or in a detention cell for arrested drunks or pregnant.


Then life goes on - I dated a nice guy, at the same time registered as a nurse and achieved a masters degree. On weekend we hang out together, occasionally drank wine together, and when I'm not together with him I would buy me a bottle for myself.

Fast forward...marriage, .two conceptions, both during which I totally abstained, and never missed it. But then as life goes on, aging parents, ADHD child, stressed workaholic husband with infuriation problems.....wine on weekends turned into wine Thursday-Sunday.


We got too much cases of wine on our home because my husband got hooked on a local "brew-your-own"'. Often we drank a bottle or two wine at evening, it was our nightly ritual'. I secretly mixed my own cocktails and hide the glass in my baking cupboard so my husband won't find it

When I got home - I can only think about enjoying that drink'. Trying to mix it, keep refiling it until I fall asleep or pass out until morning, honestly I can't focus on handling household mess, I tried so hard to get my ADHD boy focus on homework, prying the other one off of his iPod. The first thing I do when I woke up in the mornings is worrying whom I may have accidentally texted while drunk, I almost lost control over myself and this routine goes on and on.


But there is more - two years ago I became entangled in a very fierce emotional affair with one of my son's ally's father. The affair never proceeded to sexual interaction (except for a few hugs and standing beside each other at sporting events) but if any of you have learnt about (or undergone) an emotional affair, the effect can be just as dramatic and powerful, if not more so than a sexual relationship. I was on seventh heaven - all the time my phone showed a message'.oh the rush of feelings. Usually we exchanged texts late into night, at times in the middle of the night, while we were at duty.


I was more jovial than I had ever been. The affair was getting dangerously near to crossing over the sexual line and he retreated. I have been crushed and lamenting this loss....and the drinking expanded.

My alcoholic beverage comforted me they alleviated the pain.

Every time I remember the events of my life, a sensation of guilt runs through me. Series of my drunken journey:

  • Being Completely hammered last Christmas at a cocktail party
  • Intoxicated at my sister's 50th birthday
  • Yelling on the phone
  • Shouting fits before my children
  • Hitting my fist at my husband in the face
  • An absolute screeching clash one night when my son had a friend spending the night as a guest

I am in guidance which has been an epiphany'..plus studying Ann's book and now detecting this site and studying alike narratives. I have a feeling that I am returning home.